It is a belief.

I fear life. I live in a state of fear. I long for the days when I was not so scared. I try to snap out of it. I tell myself mind over matter. That is exactly the problem.

My mind opened up to a world of fear the first day I ever had a panic attack. I never had depression or anxiety before I got in my accident. I cannot think of a time when I was fearful. I lived. I never had to think about my exit. I came and went as I pleased.

Today, I live to feel at ease. I will not go out at night if I have to drive home at night alone. I know that I can do it. I understand that nothing will happen to me. My mind comprehends the silliness of what it is doing, but I worry all the time.

It affects whether or not I will enjoy and evening. If the circumstances are not just so, I will think about the drive home or how late is until I start to feel anxious and ultimately cause myself to have an attack.

I have decided that avoiding the scary works best for me. I am comfortable in my bubble. I go to and from work and will drive to places I am comfortable driving during the day. I know it is a terrible way to live. I am happy and young and can be fun when I want to be. I am letting something control me because I am scared of the fact that I might not be able to control it.

I don't know why things have been worse lately. I honestly do not. Maybe my life is starting to fall together, so instead of worrying my mind with goals and the future, I have more time to worry about my real worry. I should probably try to analyze myself less. That might be step one.